I used to not believe in love. I remember how in English my sophomore year, we had a lot of journal topics that had to do with love. I was the bitter hag who always had something bad to say about it. It doesn't exist. It's a fairytale. And even if it does exist, people our age should not be falling in love.
People my age throw that word around so much. They're in love with one person one day, and someone else the next. I've never understood why people do that (nor have I understood why people get into short-term relationships knowing that it's going to be a short-term relationship...why go into something knowing you're going to get hurt?).
Then James enters the picture. And screws up my views on everything.
I, at first, thought that this was just a crush. But I know how my crushes are and, not only do they not last long (and this feeling has been around for a while now) but it feels completely different than what I'm going through now, this is not a crush. It's way too strong to just be a crush.
I've told him I love him. And I do. I don't feel like I'm just using the word to be using the word or because I have to. I am not like that. I choose my words very carefully (for the most part), and I make sure not to over exaggerate things that relate to the heart.
I believe that I am truly in love with the boy. And...that scares me. But in a good way.
...
Because of the fact that my father was/is a jerk (although another word fits him so much better), I've been weary of men. I've always been afraid that if I ever started to trust them or love them, they would hurt me. Physically and emotionally.
Even my guy friends, I've always worried that they would somehow hurt me. I did this subconsciously. I didn't realize I was doing it. When guys hit girls (playfully), it used to bother me so much. Not many people understood why. I finally got over it, but it came back not too long ago (thanks to James saying he wanted to hit me, but not meaning it that way...he meant it as "if you can hit me, I should be able to hit you") and I've tried so hard to get over it.
It isn't easy.
...
But...with James. I've never worried about him hurting me. In any way, shape, or form.
This is good for me.