I would like to point anyone who is reading this to my links on your right. There is one that says "Disclaimer". Maybe you should read it, since it clearly states that I do not want my real life friends reading this journal anymore. And even though that has been up since January 2004, I have this strange feelings my trust has been betrayed. I will leave this journal if I have to. Or lock it up and keep it just for me. So, grow up everyone....
I just want someone new. It doesn't have to be the guy with no name, just someone new. Someone who I'm attracted to: emo guys, freak guys.
My goal is to nab this guy. Not for forever, not even for the night. I don't want to have sex with him (well…I do but realize that I do not need to and accept that). I do want to kiss him, and I will.
At the same time, I want to beat him across the head for being so stupid and for being so hard headed. For knowing what he needs to do but refusing to do so because he's awimp, basically. I just want to scream, "Break up with her! She is no good for you! All she is doing is bringing you down. She should be helping you with all your problems, not being the central problem nor making your problems worse."
I keep my mouth shut. I try so hard to not say anything. I'm not sure how long I can hold out, though.
It kills me that I cannot have what I want, what I believe I need to be happy.
It kills me that I have to go through these feelings for someone that I will probably never be able to have. It seems like a waste of time. Everything seems like a waste of time.
I will kiss him. I will. But I am going to wait until they are done for I do not wish to cause drama.
I thought that he was interested in me, but from conversations we've had recently, I've changed my mind. But I still want to do it. Just for me. I don't need anything in response. But I'm not so sure that I was wrong, or if I've just made him uncomfortable. He's fastly becoming my new best friend. He's the only person I have to talk to about James and our relationship. And I find him incredibly awesome, albeit goofy. I've come to realize though that I have a thing for geeky people, no matter how hard I try to not be that way.
Even though I've already stated that I will do what I want, I honestly do not know if it will go down or not. As I just said, we are fastly becoming great friends and I do not want to risk it. I need to decide if taking a risk like that is worth it. My flesh says it is, but what about my head and/or heart? Neither have sent in a final answer.
I want to listen to my flesh, to just say fuck it all and do what I want. I'm young. I need to let loose (originally this said "get loose"; a Freudian slip?) and have fun. I cannot do that, though. I cannot let myself just let loose and have fun like all of my friends. I want to be able to kiss random guys and not give a damn about it. Notice I said kiss; fucking is something that I hold at a high standard and I will not give that to any random person. I'm not saying I will only have sex with one person in my entire life; I only plan to be very selective over who I choose to be with.
This guy is someone I could have sex with and it would not bother me except for the fact that doing so might be harmful for him. I don't mean this in a way to offend me, but I'm not sure how to describe it otherwise.
I hate that I want him as badly as I do, especially when I don't need him and he doesn't need me – no more than on friendship status.